[Phill]

WOMAN'S DIARY

Saturday 28 July


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls


and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud,


so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted


so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself


- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be


paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered


if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong,


but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,


I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,


to my surprise, we made love


- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -


I think he's planning to leave me -


maybe he's found someone else.



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MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 28 July


England lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a shag though!

[vrbrad]

not bad i like that

[Phill]

Sex at 70!

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox , informing me that I can have sex at 70!


I'm sooooo happy, because I live at number 18 ..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!















------ End of Forwarded Message

[patch]

haha thats pretty funny

[spauldj3800]

*boom tish*

[Phill]

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the
pre-season.

Two weeks later the Magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10
minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a
sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the
media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day of AFL. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes
today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me,
the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten,
and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a
great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset.

'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

[PussiKat21]

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was Skiing"

[Phill]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.



A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[Phill]

Deeply profound thoughts by men

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.


Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bill says:
'I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says:
’You better think it over, Bill. Women like that are hard to find.'

[vtclubby]

i came home and told my wife "i am going to get a tattoo of a $100 note on my penis".
she asks why i would do such an idiotic thing.
"well, i like to play with my money, i love to see my money grow, and if you feel the need to blow $100 you wont have to go to the mall"

[Phill]

why you dont marry a greek girl

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=v2LZiz4-jLc

[Phill]

AUSTRALIAN FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman ,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[SL/ENUT]

Seen some new fancy aftershave the other day. The scent is called breadcrumbs. The slogan on the bottle said "The birds love it"

[Phill]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'



Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '


I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.



I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!







Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket’.


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??

The answer I should have given was “Fiji”

[scozzie]

Two gorgeous models were in a car park trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down."